Corporate Scene

Administration Theory

What you’ve suspected for a long time, has been proven to be true Administratium.  Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium [Ad]. This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, that are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample’s mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." Don’t worry, you’ll know it when you see it!

Late breaking news: An isotope of gallium was discovered two weeks ago. This is called legallium, with an atomic mass of 2376. This will act as a catalyst and suck up all the peons from any Administratium in which it comes into contact, and causes all reactions to come to a grinding halt. The half-life of legallium is believed to be some three or four years, but unfortunately legallium, once it has reached critical mass, has the unhappy property of being able to spontaneously generate more legallium. We’re doomed!

Subject: 100%

"We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100 percent. How about achieving 103 percent? Here's a little math that might prove Helpful. What makes life 100 percent?

Stress Management

Here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts:

  1. Close your eyes.
  2. Picture yourself near a stream.
  3. Birds are softly chirping in the cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
  4. The water is clear and you can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.
  5. There now ... feeling better?

Cow Capitalism

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

A WELSH CORPORATION You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

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