Just Life
ONLY IN BRITAIN
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage. Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures". Only in Britain...do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight. Only in Britain...are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in Britain...can 3 people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. Only in Britain...142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from news shirts. Only in Britain...58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. Only in Britain...31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while fairy lights were plugged in. Only in Britain...19 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. Only in Britain...hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents. Only in Britain...101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. Only in Britain...18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. Only in Britain...a massive 543 people were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth. Only in Britain... 5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalectrix cars. Only in Britain...8 people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing up into the toilet.
Words of Wisdom
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. - I am in shape. Round is a shape. - Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. - Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark and professionals built the Titanic. - Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. - Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. - Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. - There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year. - In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. - I am a nutritional overachiever. - I am having an out of money experience. - I plan on living forever. So far, so good. - A day without sunshine is like night. - If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. - It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. - The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. - Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. - Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. - Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show. - You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
Philosophic
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the class if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. "The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work and clean the house. "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then a student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER!
Something to definitely think about
Written by a black guy in Texas
When I born, I black. When I grow up, I black. When I go in sun, I black. When I cold, I black. When I scared, I black. When I sick, I black. And when I die, I still black. You white folks.... When you born, you pink. When you grow up, you white. When you go in sun, you red. When you cold, you blue. When you scared, you yellow. When you sick, you green. And when you die, you gray. So who you callin' coloured?