Women & Men
The views expressed are for fun only
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause-train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF 15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna-drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all! We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding Bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please...we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years...we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it...with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.
Classes for women
From 'HOUSEKEEPING MONTHLY', MAY 13 1955
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a meal reedy, on time, for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned for his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip to the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, paper, ect. Then run a dustcloth over tables. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash tier hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimalize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to say to him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his. never complain, if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soothing, pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have NO right to question him. A good wife always knows her place.
LIFE AS A FEMALE BEAR
Proof Women think too much
Her side of the story: He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow-going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him, but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His side of the story: We lost at football. Got laid though.
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine e.g. "House" is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil" is masculine-"le crayon." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:
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