Animals
The Dog and Jeep
Only in Michigan, can this happen. Perhaps this is why male drivers are so expensive to insure. This from a radio program, a TRUE report of a happening in MICHIGAN: A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and, of course, all the lakes are frozen. These 2 guys go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. SO, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse. Now these 2 rocket scientists do take into consideration that they should place the dynamite at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), mainly because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog? Yes, the dog, a highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving-especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The 2 men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues coming. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite) and gets under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the 2 idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake is illegal by use of explosives and is not covered. And he still has to make those $400+ a month payments. And you thought your day was not going well
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up the cat, and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to the cheeks whilst holding the pill in the right hand. As you gradually ease the cat's mouth open in this fashion, pop the pill into it's mouth and allow the cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle the cat in left arm again, and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from under the bed in the main bedroom, and throw away the soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and thrust pill to the back of it's mouth with right forefinger. Hold cat's mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden to assist.
6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted from cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make a mental note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from floor, and set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw and force cat's mouth open with pencil. Blow forcefully down straw.
9. Check label on cat's pills to see if they are harmful to humans. Drink beer to take away the taste and apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm. Remove blood from carpet with soap and water, and discard shredded towel in waste bin.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on cat's neck so as to leave only the head protruding. Force mouth open with spoon, and however much force it takes. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put the cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Pour scotch and drink in one gulp. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect, and toss back another shot for good measure. Throw T-shirt in bin next to shredded towel.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve funking cat from tree across the road, and apologise profusely to neighbour who crashed into his pool whilst swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little sod's front paws and rear paws tightly to legs of metal garden chairs with twine. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push into cat's mouth, followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold cat's head vertical, and pour two litres of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room for stitching of your fingers and forearm, and removal of pill from your left nostril. Call in at garden centre on way home to get new garden chairs.
15. Arrange with RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and find out if they have any hamsters who need good homes.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL: 1. Wrap it in bacon.